113: a quote

"i can't believe how strange it is to be anything at all." -n.m.h, 1998

112

i don't want to
but i know
i will forget everything
i used to know.

all those things,
like love and life
will fade to ghosts
and dull like knives.

it just goes to show
that nothing stays, and nothing glows
like love and life and these old knives,
and this winter's snow.

111: something i wrote a long time ago

this is something i wrote in spring, 2007.

-----------

My feet are cold. Yet, it is 30 degrees outside and my roommates are
complaining.

 It's raining outside. Whenever it rains, it pours. The birds and
squirrels hide under the trees. The plants are happy.

 I love the sound of rain. It brings back memories; bad memories and
good ones, too. It makes sure that the past has been real
experiences.

 Sherry is crying in the bathroom. She cries every time the sky
cries. They cry together like they are one. But today, Sherry is
sobbing. Today must be different; something must be happening.

 I think I understand Sherry, unlike most people. I think that when
she cries, she's secretly singing, and I love the songs. I love the
lyrics and all the notes. I love the way she drags them a meter long.
Her face is most beautiful when she cries, but she doesn't cry a lot,
and it doesn't rain a lot.

 I can see people outside, taking each other's hands and drinking
the rainwater in. I want to join them in this celebration. I want to
be part of the rain, make love to the rain.

 But I can't.

 I'm sitting behind a window, and I'm watching, hoping.

 I can't feel my feet. I think I'm dying.

 Sherry, cry for me.

110

baby,
you
are
the
frozen
sea.

109

no,
no,
no.
i know the world
would never want to hurt me.

108

i miss summer.

107

what helps you sleep in lonely nights?
do you think about me,
a limp body lying next to you?

and what would you do,
and how much,
for this warm flesh, not rotting but loving?

if you were a bird, would you give up the sky?
if you were a fish, would you give up the sea?
what about the earth, if you were a tree,
is it all worth it, just to be next to me?

106

oh it's sad, cruel world,
when you make me forget what it means to feel.
but here i am, thanking you,
because today i woke up, bursting with emotion,
my eyes burning the colour of red,
my skin peeling the shade of blue.

yeah, i remember it all now, what love could be,
it's so definitely there,
when i hear that sweet, sweet voice on the phone,
or a recording that has it trapped in time.

it's artificial, but the voice seems so close i can almost taste it in my lungs.

so thank you, world;
thank you for saving this memory for me,
because forgetting then remembering is even better than having it in me all the time.

105

i feel like you know that my fingers can't reach far enough to grab this voice that tangles my veins at night in my deep sleep

where i think i'm awake but it's all a dream and i can't reach far enough to grab your skin that wraps around me, closer tighter tighter than that of my own.

104

stretch my throat, dear god.
there are too many pills i have to take,
too much blood i have to spit
to make new blood
so that i can breathe and
take more pills.

103

i'll throw you into the snowbank like you
threw me into the sea.

this is happiness.

102

the snow won't stop falling on me.
it's barely winter, but i already miss the song of the birds,
your eyes, shining in the sunset of autumn.

in this home i am not home.
in this home, i am surrounded by white walls too cold and too bare.

it's like, if somebody were to strip me down,
peel my skin away,
they would be left with this,
because this is where i am
and this is what i cannot help but be.

101: rest in peace, ally

i'm so, so afraid.
how am i supposed to stand up straight?

i wish i had faith now, so i can pretend i'll see you again.
but don't worry, rest in your silent peace forever,
because as long as i live, i won't forget about you.
i know you're carved into my brain.
you were part of the most amazing week of my life.

i left you a facebook message but i know you'll never see it.
that is so unreal to me.
i wish you would visit,
tell me chilling stories of how you came to be,
and teach me how you simply vanished from the world.

100

what are you thinking about when you look at me
with those eyes, like that?
it reminds me of hungry bellies,
empty, like bedrooms of houses where no one's watching.

give us something else to do
so you'll stop looking at me like that,
because it makes me uneasy
and i'd rather think about how good you smell
than watch those eyes freeze me from head to toe.

99: some very nice lyrics

"my first vision was a bush growing down the river ,
and i couldn't stop crying .
something was missing .
i realized i was in love with a voice.
i called it, again, and again,
but all i heard was the echo in the light" -m83, 2005

98

today's my favourite day so far.

97

you can't do anyone harm,
but you've got secrets you won't share.

nostalgia.

56

i have to pee
but i'm scared that if i leave this room i'll see ghosts
crawling up on the walls in the hall
sucking at my feet
dragging me down like they did to you.

95

what do you want me to say?
because i'll say it just to make you happy.

94

close my eyes then drag me around
this house is down, these streets too narrow.
kiss this smoke and strip in silence
sing along to the morning's sparrow.

i know i've lived once and i'll live again.
loosen your grasp and let me in
back in the room where we stood still,
to peel my skin against my will.

i won't refuse to swallow this pill.

93: for drew

it was very loud in the night time, and i thought to myself,
"this is what we've been reduced to".
we took our tired eyes and tired minds, stumbled home with them,
flipped our soundtrack to side b,
and stumbled out again.

do you get it? this is our life.

this is our life and this is our city;
we cannot sleep like we do elsewhere.
we can murmur more questions,
lose that sound into the dark like the missing day in february.
there is hardly ever an answer,
but there is also hardly a question too stupid to ask.

and whoever she may end up to be,
i hope for you only the best, my dear friend,
because there is something i have that i think i deserve:
a fair boy's fragrant kiss, his warm hands in this cold winter.
you know,
i want you to be happy like i am happy,
live every week like it's the final week,
smile like you're counting snowflakes and sunsets into these magical hours,
because you deserve that and so much more.

92

it's so quiet.

makes me wonder,
was it you who left these scratches on my walls,
and disease on my back?
it must have been,
because this morning when i lifted my head up, and thought i saw you through my window,
your small, round figure in the reflection and hands into fists,
my eyes fell out
and didn't want to crawl back.

91

"fucked it up again, but i'm not looking the other way.
i see my errors and i know i'm wrong, but it's gonna take way more than that,
to change my ways and start thinking straight, be the person i aspire to be.
own up to myself. turn my life around.
make amends to my friends, i owe to myself and them.
pledge of allegiance to myself. so i must fucking say: i will change.
no more selfish ways, no more for # 1; its done.
arrogance is of the past: so i must fucking say: i will change.
so you gonna try, or is it gonna be the same fucking song?
i must find, i'll strive for.
i must find, i'll strive for.
HUMILITY.
so don't lose, don't lose...your way.
don't lose your way.
i said it's time we really take a look at ourselves
and start caring about someone else." -h.h 2006

90

if i could rip open the sky,
and let out all the rain,
i would i would
i would

let all the raindrops drench my eyes,
so they'll moisturize my modest mind.

89: nostalgia

today i stood in front of that cold window again in the kitchen.
only two people live here now.
i tried to imagine what my roommates would be talking about in the kitchen if they were still here.
no, it didn't work.

it's too quiet now.

i remember not too long ago, standing in the same spot,
with coffee in my mug,
thinking about how many more cups i'll have,
checking the time constantly,
waiting for the party to start.

yeah and i remember moving in here that first night,
sleeping in the cold dark room alone for the first time,
curtain pulled up so i can watch the moon and the city,
window open so i can hear the pre-frosh yells of already-drunk first years on the street.

i remember crying myself to sleep and thinking "this is it this is it this is fucking it, right?
i've grown up way too fast.
is this really fucking it?"

88: fuck the world

yeah, i can scream,
and i will.

87

there is no real distance
except the one between our breaths,
and the one between your legs and mine.

86

i heard this angel in my sleep.
she danced in my head,
put cotton underneath my eyelids.
she sang to me until i fell asleep, woke up, then asleep again.

but those notes, they stung me every time, like a needle piercing through my spine.
i don't understand...


have i done something wrong?

85

how come i miss you already?

84: for sean and snow

oh glittery snow,
wrap your delicate selves around my skin,
slip secretly between the strands of my hair!
embrace me until i cannot breathe,
help me ease this tension built up between my brows.

yes, i love him i love him i love him.
i climbed mount fuji and screamed it out.
my voice turned soft, melted into a million cherry blossom pedals.

fifty miles away, a plucked flower wilts,
but i know three others have grown in its place, and together they are prettier than the first.

83

we know this is wrong,

but why do we do it?

82

tell me the story of your skinny ribs.
they tunnel through me for hours at a time,
and i swear i can see stars each time,
sprayed and scattered across a sheltered black sky.

then these stars, they remind me of how you are everywhere.
inside me, all around me,
all filled in this room,
all over these walls.

then when i dream of you, i'm sedated. i can’t tell a fantasy from authenticity
it makes me wonder where i am,

how did i get here?

and

have i reached the top of the mountain?

81

my arm is burning and peeling away this layer on my body;
it's no longer useful.
and i can see your eyes on my ceiling,
spying on me, making sure i play my part.

80

how swollen is your stomach?
did i crawl inside yet,
did i choke on your veins yet?
yes i did,
scratched my name on these walls.
slept until i could not tell the day from the night,
could not remember our names, and how long ago we met.

with these fists, i've made these holes.
how is your swollen stomach?

79

you can strip me of my skin,
but you can't steal my body,
and you can't steal my attitude.

whoa, hey, i see you've unwrapped your broke fists.
it was no use living like that,
under the impression that the light was already bright enough,
i'm glad you're all better now.