279: for a friend

i can't believe that i would miss you, boy with cold hands i've never held,
and i can't believe i would see you in that house of yours by the beach in a dream! it was all so close
and it was really really cold by the water, where i dipped my feet and watched your gentle body sway back and forth,
hands pressing piano keys,
black white, white white black, white.
and by the water there was sand in my shoes, crawling between all my toes, separating them from each other
like separation i felt when i finally packed and picked it up on my back
and carried it like a burden, away from you so that you would be free to be free
and i would be free to be me.
but in that house you were swaying to all those pretty notes under your fingers,
with a dog and a small child singing songs that i never got to learn,
nursery rhymes i'm embarrassed to admit i do not know.
i know if i told you that you would laugh at me with that warm morning voice like roses in the back garden,
ones i didn't plant,
and you would, with that voice, tell me i'll always be beautiful to you
and tell me i'll be alright and alright
and tell me that you don't mind at all if i don't know the sweats and rhymes and beats.

you know, i can't believe i would ever miss you,
i want you to show me who you really are, i want to see you bitter, nostalgic and inspired.

278

when i get there, i will ask no more questions,
because the rain will for sure answer me.
and when i am dead and dead, throw me overboard,
because this rocking of the boat will keep making me sick.