06

one of the best feelings in the world
is the one you get when
you're standing in front of a loud speaker at 10pm
nodding your head.

the bass is turned up high, and you swear it's louder than the guitars
and you can barely hear what that guy in the red shirt is saying into his microphone.

you can feel the vibrations in your bones...it's even a little bit hard to breathe.
it's a little bit stuffy.
and your breath gets lighter and lighter with each pluck of a string
and your eyes want to bleed and you stomach turns, screaming "ican'ttakeit i can't take it"

then walking home in the cold wind
alone
with only a t-shirt on and some skinny jeans that are no longer skinny on your legs.




anyway, today i tried to find this feeling.
and when my eyes opened for the first time this morning i realized that i can't ever sleep again.

05

it's wet orange outside right now.
i take off my glasses and glance into the street.

it's hard to describe what this looks like, unless you are blessed with a natural blur in your eyes like me.

the lights are soft and fuzzy and everything morphs in with each other red blue green yellow orange oranage orange and the black buildings and they touch and swallow each other whole and then. and then, there is just one big colourful picture.

and now i put on a nice song accompanied by the sound of raindrops hitting my window.
i will shut my eyes and look for the feeling of sleep.

you know, it's so perfect right now.
i wish i could share this with you but at the same time i want it to be all mine.

04

shehara and i sat in the hallway in front of the elevator
and drew the most amazing thing anybody has ever seen.
i think we were both in a terrible mood
and were drowsy and tired but our eyes won't stay closed.

why is it that in this big city, i feel like i'm the only one awake now?
it's so quiet here.
this must be the silence embedded in novels that have lasted centuries,
the silence that keeps people calm. calm like before a storm
calm like a whale's song.
i want to feel this in my sleep.


i never want to turn the lights back on.
i want to grow old to the glow of my computer screen,
but i know the sun will beat me to that.

03

last night, or this morning rather, i finally was able to fall asleep to the sound of your music.
i imagined your hands pressing down gently on each key
black, white
black, white.

then i felt the first hint of drowsiness in my head, and that familiar heaviness on my eyes.
i knew it was coming.
it spread fast, like a disease, and soon i could feel it even in my fingertips.

with my eardrums vibrating, i had the best sleep i've had in weeks.

i could have slept more, but i was awaken by the sound of my cellphone,
followed by a feeling i'm not unfamiliar with. i rolled out of comfort, fell to the dirty and cold floor.
crawled and crawled up my chair, hoping that somehow it was you who had woken me up.

02

i've been hit with a bad case of transient insomnia.
i'm too unhappy, or too apathetic. i know those are two totally different things.

i remember now that i used to be a writer, and i was inspired by the smell of her skin, and the sound of footsteps, crunching away in the black snow on the side of a dirty road.

have you ever listened to the sound of rain hitting an umbrella? i can't get that sound out of my head.


i guess i could say now that when a heart has been broken it can never completely heal,
but



the truth is, i just don't like to sleep alone.

01

tonight i wrote a nice song, but i'll probably forget by tomorrow.
this feels like seattle.
i'm so lonely.

please, god, never let me feel this way again.

i'm so sorry that i'm tongue tied. i am just not that interesting.