166

when they touch me, they burn fevers in my body,
that create holes where you'll pour your eyes all over, to the bottom.

nothing can kill me,
not even your rotting spirit,
not a single word,
not a single mountain.

165

don't tell me any of your secrets,
because i already know when you sleep walk and sleep talk around my house.
on silent nights, when even ghosts are whispering,
i'll listen for your quiet murmurs,
telling lonely tales of cruelty and hunger,
telling me how you are weighing you down.

164

what is that smell?
i know there is a man outside the door and he is crying,
hands buried into his face, knees in his stomach, choking on fresh puke,
blood pumping through inadequate veins.
i can hear him and taste his sad behind these walls and cabinets.

nothing blends and nothing mixes.

"did she smoke her dry tobacco cigarettes after you fucked her?"
yesyesyes, and i want to ask, "where are your children? where is your wedding ring?"

my boss wants to raise her fees,
because nothing blends and nothing mixes here.

163

sleep opens my body like heaven from the earth,
i spill out all memories and my shaking voice.
and is this the damned place i've lived since birth?
is this all my soul is worth?

i was born deaf and dumb by choice
but come lie next to me anyway, whisper me some noise.

162

i am summer in july, i am in love.
everything else might as well be dead,
like conductors carried out to sea, a billion passengers on their backs.
if you listen well, sugar, pry open these cracks,
tonight is my wedding, and i'm marrying a dove.

161

one two three and one to three,
trip over me and make me choke,
like our bodies will be, between my sheets,
arms twisting a hundred and eighty degrees.

160

i want to keep your pretty eyes in my pocket
on the inside of my jacket, close to my chest.
at night, i'll put them on the pillow next to me
so you can watch me twist and turn,
watch me grab at seams and scratch at bones.

and i'm sure these dreams will be mine:
swimming in the deep blue of your eyes,
feeling this ocean run between my fingers,
feet fumbling to feel some solid ground,
because water makes me weightless and you lift me with your words.

we all struggle sometimes, but i know we won't give up.

159

i dream of girls with beautiful skin that caresses you in your deepest sleep on sunday morning when the sun is still down beneath the maple tree,
straight to the ground,
so let them wait.

i say these dreams are far from real and real is what we feel when these suspicious sleepwalking girls fumble into the night, vanishing through the sky.
i say, i say, i say,
let them wait.

158

don't light my fire, be my fire.

157: spring is coming

oh lover, can we explore forever?
must we plant our feet into the ground of our boring cities?
i want to touch the tip of every child's nose,
i want to watch every gull break its wings in the sudden rush of southern waves.
i don't need this education, i learned all i need to know,
from writing, making art and making love and kissing you.

so come, come, can we ditch this place?
i just want to live, i just want to grow.

156

i say i'm lucky to be alive,
so i can watch people eating fruit
and feel your hand in mine!
i want to ring wedding bells,
and watch teenagers give each other bite marks on forearms.
i'll lead, and you can follow,
until the vibrations from these kids' cellphones become a song,
as heart breaking as the one i sang in tenth grade,
pulling my lips apart,
teeth apart,
do-re-mi into the night sky.

155

if i could, did you know i'd follow you anywhere?
a million miles into the bottom of the sea,
i'd touch all the fish with trembling fingers,
these tiny vibrations from bone through skin, hidden by the water current that pushes us back home right where we belong.

154

you thought you fell on him
but he was not there to catch you,
i know he won't be there next time,
so stopstopstop and get some rest.

153: happy

whoever zeroes in on this perfect melody
will know that the song wrote itself,
quickly and quietly in my head,
on the way home, laughing, my throat ripping and swallowing blood.

yeah, it was a good time, it's always a good time.
i know this, because this perfect song wrote itself,
just like buildings and grass know to grow upwards towards the sun,
these notes flew into my head,
through my ears, then out between my teeth.
it's so pretty and i promise you i will keep on singing it.

152

tread in my shoes, you.
i am the ghost writer,
i am the car driver,
i can't take you home but i'll take you next door.

151

life is a tiny gift.
because soon, i'll be tasting your breath in a sun-filled bedroom,
my eyes wide open, peeking at your skin,
brushing on our awkward arms.

this is what i want, and this is what i'll have,
but if i ripped open the sky for a thousand years, it would still not be enough.

did you know, dear friend?
in this life,
i am most likely to commit the most evil greed,
and him the most evil envy,
because he knows each time i wrote and each time i write from that moment on, he is no longer you,
and you are no longer him.

150: for the night

and then night came!
how i love the night...
clouds block the dark sky that never reveals its stars.
but look, i can see city windows turning into them,
brightening up my secretly bitter world.
and when i take my glasses off, my vision blurs
and blurs
and b l u r s into a beauty i can't explain to anyone else.

these moving orbs of light on the roads are mine,
the teethless people walking past me,
and the fuzzy smoke in my face from a companion's cigarette.
all of this is beautiful and mine.

yes yes yes, this is the night!
this is the same night those years slip away from the breath of old, shrinking women in their gentle sleep,
the same night and same sleep of birds, of critters, of ships,
and this is when i am dreaming
it is also when i am most alive.

149

suddenly, my mouth is on fire.
with this fire, i'll light stars and moons,
so that the whole universe will glow and guide you home,
safely from my room.

148

tell me, tell me, how do you bleed?
can you hear me?
this is all i need.

147

aut viam inveniam aut faciam.